The Letter
by dreamsofprovidence
Summary: Set during 1x06, Gary finds the speech Miranda wrote.


The last customers had left half an hour prior, and Clive and Brian had the place in ship shape in no time. Gary gave the bar his customary once over, and saw a stray piece of paper stuck under a mat. Retrieving it, he unfolded the paper to familiar handwriting. Miranda's penmanship was unmistakable, but the birthday and christmas cards he'd gotten never had so many scratch marks.

_I've got something I __want__ need to say. I'm sorry that I haven't said I'll miss you,_

Gary recognized the words from Miranda's earlier visit. She'd acted odd before telling him to go to Hong Kong. Her words had hurt, but he couldn't figure out why. The trip to Hong Kong was an exciting opportunity, and if Malaysia was anything to go by, would be fun. He could find no good reason to decline the offer, but sometimes he felt that he had to convince himself that it was the right step to take. Everyone who brought it up in conversation was really excited on his behalf, and he figured the feeling would overtake him soon… hoped it would.

A crash from the kitchen broke his thoughts, and he remembered he wasn't alone, yet. He folded the note and put it in his pocket to be read when he had more privacy. Finishing the final checks of the night, he followed Clive and Brian out the front door, setting the alarm and locking up for the night. He declined Clive's offer of an after work beer, and headed home to his flat.

The familiar drive and empty streets allowed Gary's mind to wander, his thoughts turned back to Miranda and the letter in his pocket.

He really liked Miranda. She was so funny, and made him feel comfortable enough to be himself. He could be goofy with her in a way he always felt he had to hide from his previous girlfriends. When he had first come back, they'd gone on a date, and it had ended badly. A time or two since then he'd felt…. something. Something that had a feeling of _more_ to it. He tried, but couldn't put into words what that _more_ was, but it wasn't a comfortable feeling. How could she make him so comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time?

He parked in his usual spot, and soon found himself pouring himself a healthy dram of his favorite whiskey. The thoughts fighting for dominance in his mind blotted out his surroundings, and his instincts took over. He took the drink to his favorite chair and pulled the letter from his pocket before sitting. He carefully unfolded the paper, taking care to flatten the creases. He took a deep swig from the glass before setting it down and reading.

_I've got something I __want__ need to say . I'm sorry that I haven't said that I'll miss you it's just if I do, I'd make a__n ass__ fool of myself because I'd say that I'd miss coming into the restaurant every morning, not because of the cakes, although they do have a strong bearing,(__pause for laugh__?) but because __I lo__ my heart skips a beat every time I see you, __in your__ And I'd say I'd miss you because you're the one person I can be myself with, and __even tho__ underneath all the fear, the only person i can consider a relationship with because I love you, and __I want__ that's why it's best if I don't say anything._

Hand shaking, he put the letter down and retrieved his drink. He took another large swallow before he allowed himself to absorb what he had just read. _Love? No, no, no, no, no. No, this wasn't good. _He got out of the chair and began to pace across his flat.

_No, she doesn't love me. No. No._ He kept repeating it to himself, the denial working to keep his heart in his chest. His heart was pounding harder than it ever had before, and he started to worry if he was having an attack of some kind. He pressed his hand to his chest to try to push it back into place, but the adrenaline started to kick in, and the pounding in his chest spread to his head._ No_, he kept repeating in time with his heart.

He concentrated on settling his stammering heart by taking deep breaths as he poured himself another Glenlivit. He swallowed it in one and poured his third.

_I'm not ready for this, _his thoughts abruptly shifted, and visions of Miranda danced in his mind. The silliness brought a smile to his face, and he began to feel more calm. The frazzled, defeated Miranda who told him to go to Hong Kong was far from the Miranda he pictured now. He remembered dancing with her in her kitchen, and her drunken passes in that hotel room. It was with a smile that he picked up her letter again, and read it for a second time. _My heart skips a beat…_ A third time, _I'd miss you…_ Again, _I love you,_ and again,_ I love you._

Gary woke with a start. He'd fallen asleep in his clothes, in his chair, clutching the letter. He rubbed his eyes and read the letter one last time before folding it and tucking it into his wallet. He prepared for the day while having a thousand conversations with Miranda in his mind.

He still hadn't decided how to respond as he opened the restaurant. Every time he thought of staying in Surrey, with Miranda, his heart began to pound in his chest, in much the same way as when he thought of leaving.

All day he ran through scenarios, before finally giving up. He didn't know what he wanted, but at least he was sure of that!

By the time his party started, he had decided to leave it to Miranda to say something. All throughout the party he tracked her movements, waiting for her approach. The stress of it wore on his nerves, and he grabbed a beer to relax. When she finally joined him, his heart lept, and he used the new energy to propel him to the dance floor.

Rather than being the brave woman he knew, she retreated and that bothered him more than anything. He found himself trying to lead the conversation towards the paper he had found, and the confession she had written there. As the music changed to the Take That song he had requested, he could see her shields come up. The opportunity before him was the best he would have, and he took her hands, ready to see where this necessary conversation would lead. But just as he finally found the words he thought might convince her she was safe to say her peace, the music changed he was pulled back into the party. He stayed a little longer, to see if she would find him again, but the time to leave had come.

He grabbed his pack with a sigh. He wasn't sure how to feel about leaving now. He had expected the sadness at leaving his friends, but disappointment was making a surprise appearance. He hadn't prepared for when Miranda didn't say anything, not really. But, he figured, not saying anything said it all.

The cab dropped him at the airport, bringing Gary back to the present and his immediate future. No use worrying about what might have been, time to focus on the here and now. He pushed a final thought of Miranda and what he was leaving to the back of his mind, and entered the airport ready to start his new life.


End file.
